Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
