yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
