If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
