this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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