where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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