what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
