please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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