My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize