I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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