life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
