She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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