She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
