Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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