I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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