i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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