I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
