I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
