Pants 0. Shit 1.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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