A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
As shirtless as possible
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize