worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Randomize
