I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
