pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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