I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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