If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
