Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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