No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
