Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree