your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season