In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
How's work?
Spinning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
