Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
