I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
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You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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