you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
