Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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