I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
