Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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