I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
