just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
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I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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