so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
