WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
