:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
