so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
