cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
