So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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