So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
