Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
