I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
