dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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