but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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