Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
