Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
