I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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