nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
