either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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