When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
